punditry.ca — uncovering DSU elections

These are obviously tense times for the union. We’ve just come off the most stunning election results night in recent memory, the future of the executive is up in the air for the indefinite future, and though it is still only February, a looming faculty strike casts a grim shadow over the remainder of the school year—all this, and we have not yet even considered what the  strikes affecting public transportation and cheap beer (edit: nevermind, Oland Brewery strike averted yesterday!) will do to an already weakened campus moral.

I have been tinkering with a post about all of that business, but this is not that post. This is a punditry.ca exclusive so utterly unforeseen and unspeakably exciting that I simply had to put everything else in my life on hold so that I could address the information within immediately. Some who read this might already be in possession of this knowledge—and if so, they must be punished by the gods of DSU gossip for not alerting me to it earlier—but I suspect that for others, this will be something to cling to in otherwise acrimonious times.

I’ve been violently ill with the flu these last two days. As often happens on the rare occasions when I am ill, I found myself doubled over on the sofa watching reality television re-runs. This time around, I happened across a fascinating show called Ice Road Truckers. The show has a fairly simple premise: camera crews chronicle the exploits of the truckers who brave the most dangerous transport routes north of the Arctic Circle.

Of all the interesting personalities on the show, one trucker in particular quickly became my favourite. Alex, a legend in the Ice Road community, steals the show every time he appears on screen. With a devious twinkle in his eye and the slightly demented laugh of a born troublemaker, he faces all challenges head-on and spouts off pints of home-brewed wisdom at every turn.

Check out the video above, and skip to the 12:08 mark. In this episode, Alex temporarily joins a cliquish convoy of drivers who mock his slow-but-steady pace. He quickly falls behind the pack, but when the rest of the men stop to check over their vehicles, Alex roars past them, laughing maniacally all the way.

Can only be mister nice guy for so long. Old Hugh and Rick gonna have to be rabbits if they want to keep up—rabbits on a slippery road. Hope they didn’t trim their toenails. I have a fragile load, I think, but I wanna go fast enough to keep ‘em honest, eh—get ‘em a little lathered up.

The more I watched the show, the more I realized that there was something extremely familiar about Alex. A certain heroic, rebellious zeal that evoked a wave of vague memories that I could not immediately place.

Eventually I heard the narrator mention Alex’s full name, and everything suddenly made sense. Watch the video below, and let the realization dawn upon you.

Alex DEBOGORSKI.

I’m amazed I didn’t make the connection sooner. Like our own Debogorski, Alex is a legend among mere mortals. The man makes Chuck Norris look like Eric Snow. Alex Debogorski wasn’t hit by a train—the train was hit by him. When Alex Debogorski gets a few beer in him, he doesn’t kick back and watch the game—no, he goes down to the garbage dump with a stick and CHASES 30 BEARS FOR 10 STRAIGHT HOURS.

Before you start wondering if this might be some remarkable coincidence, let me assure you that it is not. Being the top-notch investigative journalist that I am, I went straight to the source. Greg Debogorski confirmed via Facebook last night that Alex is indeed his uncle.

Many people have expressed to me how depressed they were by the lack of Debogorski in the election this time around. Indeed, while many punditry readers liked to pile up on Greg at times, there is no denying that his uncensored campaigning style made things much more interesting. I think his absence was felt particularly severely this year, given that we had two insider presidential candidates trying to out-nice each other all campaign long. The pure, pulpit-pounding fun Greg could have injected into that lifeless debate…sadly, we will never know what might have been.

Greg may be gone (for now), but if you find yourself going through Debogorski withdrawals, take some solace in knowing that there are five seasons of Ice Road Truckers out there to help you cope. It might not seem like much given all of the problems besetting students right now, but at least it is something to remind us of better times.

In closing, I urge you to let the memory of our beloved Debogorski remind you that even in these tough times, all is not lost. If at any point in the near future you feel as though your opinion has no hope of penetrating the constant strife generated by the faculty, the administration, the bus drivers, and the War-of-the-Roses-esque mess that is sure to result from the elections appeal process, do not resign yourself to quiet surrender. Dig deep, grab a cup or five of coffee, and remember the immortal words of Greg Debogorski:

I eat cabbage bigger than you. You can try and make me shut up anytime brother.

Amen, Greg. Amen.

PS: If you get really, really desperate for a dose of Debogorski, you could always try the following home video. If this doesn’t warm your heart with its delightfully frank Debogorskian prescription for curing society’s woes, then I regret to inform you that you are an irredeemable lounge lizard.