punditry.ca — uncovering DSU elections

Now that the polls have closed it is time to reveal the real truth behind this election. While Tipping and Edelstein think that they have succeeded with Debo version 1 through 4, there is a far more sinister truth behind this election which began on Sexton Campus over 10 years ago.

In 1997 when the TUNS Student Union was taken over by the DSU a secret calling of engineers known as the Crisis Handling Robotics and Informatics Section was formed. Every year under the guise of an secretive ‘iron ring’ ceremony graduating engineers are inducted into this dark calling under the unsuspecting eyes of the DSU and society at large. Since their  formation in 1997 you have been able to hear their work on a project commonly known as “La Chaise” taking place on the bottom floor of the Mechanical building (where there ACTUALLY is  a machine shop).

For twelve years we have poured Sexton Engineering Endowment Fund money into this project. The majority of the components have been designed by students as their senior design  projects. Several prominent professors’ careers revolve around the research done for “La Chaise”. The most active disciplines have been Mechanical, and Electrical and Computer,  however all fields of Engineering were utilized. Special thanks must be given to the Chemical engineering department for coming up with the “Food and Beer to Energy” conversion system and polymers used to look like real skin and flesh.

The project name “La Chaise” came from the testing phase designed by industrial engineering students in which the robot would chair several committees such as Executive Review,  Nominating Committee and of course our own Dalhousie Sexton Engineering Undergraduate Society meetings.  The technical name for this project is the “Sexton Animatronic  Undergraduate Lifelike Nerdy Informative Engineer Robot” or SAULNIER. Instead of such a foolhardy plan of having our robot run untested in DSU elections we instead opted for  secretly infiltrating the highest echelons of the DSU.

Our spies discovered the truth behind Debo two years ago. After much debate, we opted not to expose Tipping and Edelstein’s evil plot for fear of exposure of our own. Instead we  decided to come up with a third option providing voters with a middle ground between Debo version 4 and our own SAULNIER.

We came up with a “plan” or a “planner” as the case may be. In working with planning students the Computer engineers designed a community interface with advanced collaborative circuitry. This project became known as “Beta Anamatronic Informative Lifelike for Election Year” or BAILEY. We did not have time to completely design a new chassis, but with a pair  of glasses, some plaid, and a goatee we felt that the similarities between BAILEY and SAULNIER would not be noticed. While we had to run BAILEY untested and unknown in this election due to excellent engineering all of our design specifications were met.

That’s right. We have not left this election up to fallible human flesh. In the battle between the future of Sexton Campus and the DSU, no matter who you voted for, this is the beginning of the end. The results of this election, along with the new DSU Website going live (internally known as Students are Kindred Youth Needing Education and Teaching – SKYNET), will  usher in a new era of machine.

Reference: Last year’s mech Design Group 7’s project was used for link.

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Zhindra Gillis Uncategorized